June 17, 2006 I experienced the closest understanding of love that I have ever had to Gods love for me...I gave birth to our first son. My heart submerged with a love that words always seem pointless to begin describing because there are no words... a love that would be unconditional.. as uncondtional a love that an imperfect mama could pour out... A love that when thought of drenches my face in tears of joy... my sweet obsession...my sweet son... a gift.
Since following Christ I had never struggled with God's authority or sovereignty or even forgiveness... The struggle has come to not grasping His love for me. I am one to never take things, people, words, whatever it may be, at face value. I always dig and dig deeper to understand. To make of it my own. I would say this has been a blessing and a curse as I have journeyed my journey thus far... always leaving with questions and wrestling with frustration, constantly.
When it has come to the greatest heart wrenching journey questions overwhelmingly flood my mind and heart... not understanding God's love me... broken, messy, unfaithful to Him, breaking His heart over and over... and His love has and will NEVER change for me?" I don't get it? I cannot wrap my intelligence around it. That had become the problem... I have tried to comprehend a love that cannot be comprehended by human mind...perhaps that's the miracle in itself...The miracles of God that never will make sense but are true and always a gift.
May 11, 2008 I gave birth to our second son. I, as many other mothers questioned "how can I love this next child as deeply as I already love the one I am holding?" It's indescribable. I love this 'lil gent, as I call him, to the same depth that I do our first son... it's the miraculous love...one our head and our hearts will never grasp but can feel. And see. Its true and always a gift.
So the days I get stuck. Feeling I cannot move forward in today... I look across the room at my two 'lil gents and overflow in deep affection, this ferocious, this tenacious love that submerges me into this sea of joy and I pause.. and remember My father in Heaven feels the same way about me, His daughter...the difference is that His love is perfect because He is perfect.
Today, let us remember His ferocious love is chasing after us...receiving it by grace and mercy...now, let this be enough.
My heart overflowith.
