Continuing. continuing...things on my heart, in our life, learning, teaching just a bit of everything...
Today our oldest, Ryder got on his bus & went on his way to the new adventure of 1st grade! Days leading up to this have been tough..many many tears from all of our eyes...outbursts of anger became a part of our every day thing... My heart felt a pain that I have never felt before...my heart was soo very sad. Hearing this sweet, kind hearted young boy respond in hurtful & painful ways... Whatever it was going on inside of him brought out the worst in him... For several of days I wept and felt like I was failing him as a mama.. Maybe he needed more conversation of the gospel or maybe it's too much convesation? This chaos brought out the worst in me as well... As I was banging my fists on the floor & crying, yes much as a child, I cried out to God...Over the next few days my prayer had become God help! this is your child! You know him best...you know his heart better than I...teach me how to love this child deeper & wider in this moment... When he is not easy to like in this moment.
Ryder has always been easy to be liked...his sweet kind nature. A lover of people & life. So...where did my child go?
I have been reading a book written by Mother Teresa... She had written a portion on prayer...asking God to silence my heart... I finally sat long enough with My Father and prayed just that. "God silence my heart, my mind, my eyes, my ears so I may not miss being in your presence " I continued praying this throughout my days ...
In one of the "moments" with Ryder I grabbed him gently sat him on my lap and hugged him so tightly...a flood gate opened from his eyes..that then released mine. We sat for a minute weeping together... I asked him "buddy whats going on in your heart?" it took him a moment to process & he shared with that "he was angry cause daddy was not going to be here." Freddy (Ryder's daddy) has been in India for last 2 1/2 weeks and would be missing today..Ryder's first day of first grade and Ryder was hurting because of this... 3 weeks of this chaos in his heart responding in anger... Had I silenced my heart & responded with patience 3 weeks ago... I loved on Ryder & asked him to forgive me for being quick to respond in anger as well.. He quickly forgave me never thought of it again..Ryder needed to be heard...to be sat with & hugged on... He was hurting...I have learned much about myself through this... As a Christ follower & as a mama... I CANNOT do this life alone. I am so desperate for my Father... and so is my sweet son. Thank you Jesus for grace...it's all grace upon grace upon grace.
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